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OTTAWA, CANADA • In a move that stunned even seasoned parliamentary observers and caught his political rivals off guard, Prime Minister Paul Martin yesterday called a snap election.

“It was a shocker, that’s for sure,” said longtime political analyst A.N. (“Al”) Izer. “No one saw this coming, not in a million years. Well – not for a year or so, anyway.”

Other pundits agreed. “An election? In June?” said policy advisor Bette Longshot, whom Loonienews reached on the holiday weekend by cellphone from the dock of her swanky Muskoka cottage. “Wow – who knew?”

Martin’s election call seems to have come as a surprise even to those inside the Prime Minister’s Office.

“Well, what can I say? I’m surprised, too,” said PMO spokesman Gilles Déception. “When the Prime Minster said he was going to have a chat with the Governor-General, naturally we just thought he was, you know, going to give her a hard time about wasting so much taxpayers’ money on useless things. That’s his job, after all. Oh, and to tell her husband not to be so arrogant and strut around like we gave the job to him, not her.

“But to dissolve Parliament? I had no idea he was planning that,” Déception said. “He never said a thing. It was just business as usual, you know? I mean, running around the country spending money on high-profile projects to attract attention and buy voters’ sympathy – he does that all the time. Nothing new there.”

The election call caught even Martin’s political rivals off guard, leaving them scrambling to come up with a coherent platform for opposition.

Both Tory and NDP insiders – who spoke on condition we wouldn’t tell their bosses they had spoken to us – told Loonienews they weren’t even sure on what issues they would go after Martin.

“I suppose maybe the gun thing,” said one. “Maybe longer skating time on the Rideau Canal in winter. I can’t think of much else, really. Oh – wasn’t there something about the Auditor-General?”

Martin supporters, meanwhile, were upbeat. “Hey, the polls are clear,” said one party insider. “We’re headed for a good, solid Liberal minority government. Who needs a majority, anyway? Just so long as we’re in power and I get to keep my expense account, that’s all that matters.”

loonienews.com

LOONIENEWS MISQUOTATION

The Book of Genesis (not to be confused with the music of Genesis)

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.

And the earth was without humour, and void; and darkness was
upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon
the face of the waters.

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