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LOONIENEWS EXCLUSIVE

TORONTO, June 1, 2003 •  Scientists and public-health officials say a nation already struggling under the disastrous medical and economic effects of terrorist attacks, sudden acute respiratory syndrome, mad-cow disease and the West Nile virus now has another enemy to face.

    And this one, they warn, may prove to be the harshest one yet. 

    Signs of the newest outbreak are everywhere, officials said at a recent news conference. 

    Afraid of catching SARS, many Canadians and Americans cancelled all travel to Toronto, where the pneumonia-like disease was at its most concentrated. Many also are avoiding the outdoors, afraid of being bitten by a mosquito carrying the West Nile virus. 

    And in the latest crisis reaction, U.S. authorities banned all imports of Canadian beef, after one cow on an Alberta farm was suspected of having have mad-cow disease. (Later reports — first cited by LoonieNews — confirmed the cow was not actually mad, just “really, really upset.”)

    These and other hysterical over-reactions — obviously wildly out of proportion to the actual dangers — are clear symptoms of a new pathological illness, scientists say, which they have dubbed Fully Exaggerated Anxiety Reaction Syndrome, or FEARS.

    The situation is so bad, scientists warn, that in later stages, people with FEARS will be unable to go outside, travel anywhere or eat anything. Which, of course, is potentially dangerous to everyone except agoraphobics, recluses and those on a diet.

    “This is quite a problem,” said Canadian health expert Dr. Shirley High, “because FEARS can spread quickly and just as quickly get out of control."

    “We cannot let ourselves be overcome by FEARS,” Dr. High said. “We have to put FEARS to rest.”

    Doctors are hopeful they may soon be able to develop a vaccine to combat FEARS. But meanwhile, they advise those who think they have FEARS to take a large dose of common sense.

loonienews.com

MOHAMMED SAEED AL-SAHAF
ACCEPTS JOB IN CANADA
(May 21st, 2003)

U.S. MILITARY FINDS PROOF
OF CHEMICAL WEAPONS IN IRAQ
(May 8th, 2003)

KILOGRAM SHRINKING
Dieters Pleased
Now less work to lose weight

DATA REVEALS TORONTO's
ECONOMY HIT HARD BY SARS
Better than the Ferengi,
Capt. Picard remarks!

LIBERAL BACKBENCHERS
LEFT BEHIND

MOB ACQUIRES MORE SINS
THAN OTHER CRIMINALS
‘No surprise,’ Vatican says,
‘We knew they were like that’

COW NOT ACTUALLY MAD
Just 'really, really upset'

CANADIAN DOLLAR
APOLOGIZES FOR RISE
Hopes no one got hurt by increase
'I'm sorry, I'm just really robust
right now. I can't help it'

IRAQI LOOTERS STEAL
ENGLISH-ARABIC DICTIONARIES
Look up definition of term 'looting'

SCHOOL RAISES
ALERT LEVEL
TO 'HIGH'
Caution advised as local bully found
not to have moved away after all

JUDGE HANDS CRIMINAL
HARSH SENTENCE
Convict also given strong words
and sternly worded paragraph

GILLIGAN'S ISLAND COMPOSER DIES
HOLLYWOOD -- George Wyle, a composer/arranger who worked with Andy Williams, Dinah Shore, Doris Day and many other singers, has died of leukemia at his home in Tarzana, Calif. He was 87.
    Wyle wrote more than 400 songs, including The Most Wonderful Time of the Year, but he was probably best known for writing the musical theme for the TV sitcom Gilligan's Island. A memorial service will be held at Eden Memorial Park in Mission Hills, Calif.
    Family members said they expect it to be a three-hour funeral. A three-hour funeral.

FAMILY VALUES CRUSADER ADMITS TO GAMBLING
WASHINGTON -- William J. "Bill" Bennett, a prominent Republican crusader for family values and former secretary of education in the Reagan administration, has admitted to a compulsive gambling habit.
    Bennett, an outspoken Christian and the author of morality books including The Book of Virtues and The Broken Hearth: Reversing the Moral Collapse of the American Family, admits to having lost more than $8 million (US) to gambling on video poker terminals and similar activities.
    When a reporter asked Bennett "What would Jesus do?" if he were in this situation, Bennett replied: "Well, hell, he'd hang on to the two pairs and pray for a full house!"

-30-

(that's fancy journalese for "the end")

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