LoonieNews.com

LOONIENEWS SEXCLUSIVE

TORONTO HOPES GAY
MARRIAGE MAY CURE
SARS WOES

TORONTO • A Toronto hard hit by the social and economic damage of SARS may have found salvation from an unlikely source – Ontario’s highest court.

    Tourism and business leaders say they’re glad for the prospect of an economic turnaround.

    Since its first appearance last March, severe acute respiratory syndrome has killed nearly 40 people in Toronto and also has had a devastating impact on the city’s normally thriving tourist economy. Fears over SARS have led to cancelled concerts and conventions and caused a huge drop in the number of tourist and business visitors. Business is going down at hotels, restaurants, concerts and retail operations. Mirvish Productions has announced plans to cut back or cancel performances of two of its biggest shows, Mamma Mia and The Lion King. Industry estimates show an overall loss of "around a gazillion dollars" (all figures in U.S. Dollars) so far to the Toronto economy.

    But that could all change thanks to a recent ruling by the Ontario Supreme Court that has legalized the marriage of same-sex couples. Immediately after the ruling, several gay couples tied the knot. And since then, hundreds of other gays have been coming to Toronto – from elsewhere in Ontario, across Canada and even from the U.S. and other foreign countries – for a chance to come and get hitched.

And nobody’s happier than Toronto’s tourist sector, which hopes the influx of gay visitors will give a big rise to the city’s limp economy.

“We could really come from behind on this one,” said one industry observer. “We’re really looking forward to getting a little ahead from all these people coming. We think it’s fabulous. Just fabulous.”

Sources at Mirvish Productions have said the producer is even considering remounting its two big productions – with slight changes to make them even more appealing to a gay crowd. The source said Mirvish may soon announce the reopening of Pappa Mia and The Lion Queen.

Also unconfirmed is a report from a City Hall source that the city is negotiating with Hanna-Barbara Productions, which owns the rights to the popular Flinstones cartoons, for a licensing arrangement to use the promotional slogan: “Come to Toronto – You’ll Have a Gay Old Time!”

loonienews.com

HETEROSEXUAL AGNOSTIC COUPLES
HAVING TROUBLE
GETTING MARRIED IN ONTARIO

TORONTO • A recent decision by the Ontario Supreme Court to allow same-sex marriages has had at least one unexpected side effect. As expected, the ruling has meant gay and lesbian couples from around the province, across Canada and even from the United States and other countries are flocking to Ontario to get married.

    We expected a lot of people to come,” said Ontario premier Ernie Eves. “There was a lot of pent-up desire for this.”

    But the surprise is that, since many mainstream churches remain reluctant to condone the court’s decision, most non-religious venues are virtually booked solid all summer for gay marriages. This has left many agnostic heterosexual couples no choice but to pretend to be religious in order to secure a church or religious hall to exchange their vows.

    My parents are elated that I seem to have ‘taken up’ Christianity again,” said Arnold Benedict. He and his future wife, Susan Anthony, had originally planned a civil ceremony at city hall. But now they’re planning a church wedding with a minister and everything.

    I just hope,” he said, “we don’t get a lot of church-y wedding gifts.”

    But Benedict did say he was happy the ladies’ auxiliary would be making those little white sandwiches he likes so much.

loonienews.com

LOONIENEWS PROVERB

GIVE A MAN A FISH, AND YOU FEED HIM FOR A DAY -
TEACH HIM TO FISH, AND HE WILL FEED HIMSELF UNTIL
THE GOVERNMENT DECIDES TO SHUT DOWN THE FISHERY
AND NOT TO LET HIM FISH ANYMORE
(About 12 TO 24 MONTHS, ACCORDING TO RECENT FEDERAL ESTIMATES)

RJ/DB

PAST ARTICLES

OUTBREAK OF FEARS
GRIPS NATION
(June 1st, 2003)

MOHAMMED SAEED AL-SAHAF
ACCEPTS JOB IN CANADA
(May 21st, 2003)

U.S. MILITARY FINDS PROOF
OF CHEMICAL WEAPONS IN IRAQ
(May 8th, 2003)

HEADLINES

ISRAEL FINALLY RECOGNIZES
PALESTINIAN STATE
Says, "oops, I guess we
didn't see you there"

INDUSTRIAL ACCIDENT CAUSES
$1 MILLION IN DAMAGES
Insurance company puzzled
as police conclude
"This was no accident"

MAD COW's RELATIVES
SUE FEDERAL GOVERMENT
OVER WRONGFUL EXECUTION
Eyewitness proves cow had been drinking
with B.C. Premier Gordon Campbell
– explaining inability to walk straight.
Campbell angrily replies:
“That’s a load of bull!”
(How you can help
- Click here)

CANADIAN DOLLAR
APOLOGIZES FOR RISE -- AGAIN
Really hopes nobody is upset
at so many appologies.

MOST CANADIANS THINK WELL
OF THE U.S., SURVEY SAYS
‘THE DEEPER THE WELL, THE BETTER’
Survey also confirms U.S. residents
have similar ‘deep feelings’
for neighbor to north

NEWS BRIEFS

DANGEROUS DISEASE
AFFLICTS MUPPETS
HOLLYWOOD -- Muppets living in the area of the Sesame Street studios are at grave risk of a dangerous new disease, doctors warn. And so far, medical science seems powerless to prevent it. The muppets, many of whom star in the popular children’s TV show, are rapidly being infected by Movine Spongiform Ensnufalufagus (MSE), or Mad Muppet Disease. The muppet version is a variant of Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy, or mad cow disease.
Doctors say infection by MSE, the muppet version, begins as a sniffle or snuffle, but may soon progress to sneezing, spots, shaking – and, in extreme cases, a rapid shouting of words brought to you by the letter “S.” (Except for Oscar the Grouch, whom the disease, oddly, has made only more pleasant and cheerful.)
Doctors say MSE is not related to the illness that several years ago killed Sesame Street creator Jim Henson – because he was, after all, not a muppet.

STARBUCKS TAKES ON SLIMFAST
SEATTLE -- Having introduced its Coconut Crème and Vanilla Crème Frappuccinos a year ago, each of which weighs in at a hefty 870 calories, coffee giant Starbucks in now repositioning the product to take on Slim-Fast, the not-so-heavyweight maker of diet products.
“A sensible breakfast and a Vanilla Crème Frappuccino for lunch, and one for dinner, is all you need to get your daily calorie requirements,” said Dee C. Eave, marketing mismanager for Starbucks. “And even without the sensible breakfast, you’d still be pretty full.”
(With Files...)

IRAQI INFORMATION MINISTER
DENIES REPORTS OF OWN CAPTURE
A British newspaper, the Daily Mirror, says U.S. soldiers have arrested Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf at a roadblock outside Baghdad.
Iraq’s Minister of Information during the regime of Saddam Hussein, Al-Sahaf became notorious during the recent war on Iraq for wildly exaggerating Iraq’s successes, strenuously proclaiming victory on TV even as U.S.-led
troops were capturing Baghdad right behind him. His remarks earned him the nickname “Comical Ali.”
And al-Sahaf lived up to his nickname even now. As U.S. soldiers were leading him away in handcuffs, reports said al-Sahaf was shouting, “No, they have not captured me! That is a lie! I was never captured, never arrested!
These soldiers are not leading me away in chains! That could never happen!
Allah is great! Iraq will be victorious!”
(loonie news appologises in advance for beating this story to death, but hey, it's still funny!)

-30-
(that's fancy journalese for "the end")

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