ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
SWORN IN TO OFFICE
IN CALIFORNIA
Decision to penalize Canadian
film industry on hold until
California legislators can
find Canadian State on map.

ISRAEL AGREES TO CEASE FIRE
"We will immediately stop shooting
at the blank spaces between Palestinians," Israeli army spokesman says.

AMERICANS SCIENTISTS
PUZZLED AT HOW CANADIAN
BEER CAN HAVE 5% ALCOHOL
Years of research still has not
allowed American beer companies
to break the 4% beer ceiling

MATRIX CREATORS NOT WORRIED ABOUT LATEST BOX OFFICE
HOLLYWOOD -- Despite being a disappointment at the box office compared to the amazing draw for the second movie, Matrix creators the Wackoffski's were not concerned. "We knew there would be anomalies in the third incarnation and we will go back to the drawing board to ensure that these random fluctuations will be eliminated in the next incarnation."

RUSSIAN GANG ARRESTS
ROME • Italian police said yesterday they had arrested 17 members of a Russian gang who forced deaf-mutes to hawk trinkets, then pocketed their takings. The gang, based in the resort of Rimini, brought at least 500 deaf-mutes from former Soviet republics. Some were tortured to persuade them to take part in the scam, worth about $2.3-million a year. But despite the torture, police say, THEY REFUSED TO TALK AND WOULD NOT LISTEN TO REASON.

-30-
(that's fancy journalese for "the end")